Jesus Month By Month: February

February



A Hard Sugar-Coated Heart

February 14, the day that brings hearts in every girl's eyes, dreaming that the man of their dreams will come riding a white horse, and greet them with dozens of roses and kisses with him. The day of amor, or love, as the fancy lovey-dovey cards say.
But to me, February 14, or the Day Of Love, otherwise known as Valentine's Day, just brings to me a whole lot of heartache.
First of all, it's hard to find a nice, CHRISTIAN guy. My parents have always told me about how relationships don't work as a Christian girl, unless you're with another Christian. It just brings a whole lot of problems with it.
But being in Timpton H. High School, does not provide a whole lot of options on men. I mean, it's a public school, where 95% of the guys aren't even Christian. I find it hard, not being attracted to those handsome skater-boys with their daring smiles, or the jocks with their confident strides and boyish charm.
That is why I hate Valentine's Day. I end up celebrating it alone, with my cat, Muffy, and end up eating a box of chocolates… alone.
And guess what? Valentine's Day is just around the corner! But, you know what? I'm going to change it this year. I love God and all, but I think he wants me to be happy, right? So I'm going to ask Aaron to be my Valentine. At least this year I will have a little happiness.


Slam! There goes my locker. I slammed it with all my might, because on it, and on every locker in the school, are posters for the Valentine's Day dance. It's where all the students in Timpton H. High School exchange cards, candy, and other heart-filled items with each other. But, mostly it's for your Valentine.
Well, I thought. This won't include me because I'm single this year… again. But I'm going to change it. I will definitely ask… Aaron.
As I slammed my locker, I was startled to see Aaron next to it. He was talking to his friend, Travis, as usual.
Let me tell you about Aaron. He is part of the art club and can draw amazing pictures that just take your breath away. Well that, and the fact that he is just so cute! I mean for a smart, nerdish-type of guy, he is just gorgeous. Aaron has medium-sized blonde hair, which he likes to brush aside with his hands, most of the time. His skin is fair and his eyes are the greenest eyes that you will ever see. I mean, he looks like a model!
I blushed, knowing that Aaron was so close. I looked at the mirror attached to my locker and feeling like an idiot. I mean how Aaron can ever like a girl like me! I know I'm beautiful because God made me and what not, but I sometimes feel like God blessed others with better looks than me.
I mean, I guess I am sort of curvy, and my weight and height is sort of average. In the mirror, I note how I have medium, caramel-brown straight hair, with layers that flare out and frame my tannish skin.
As I was looking at myself in the mirror, I was startled to see Aaron's face. I turned around quickly and almost ran into him.
" Janessa", he said, "I was wondering if you would be my Valentine this year. I mean, like, go to the dance with me. "
I was so surprised, that I blushed. I knew that it was wrong to say yes, to Aaron. But, I wanted to have a Valentine so badly. So I answered repulsively, "Y-Yes!"
He gave me a huge smile and said, "Cool. See you later," and walked away. I couldn't help but feel some sort of guilt, for doing something that I knew was wrong. But I convinced myself that God wanted me to be happy, so it was alright. I kept telling myself this, until I felt satisfied.
After the guilt disappeared, I walked towards my next class, English, with a huge grin on my face.

After the bells rang, which told us school was over, all the students rushed in the halls to leave school. I went outside to meet my best friend, Eric.
Eric has been my friend since diaper days. He was always there for me and helped me through the ups-and downs in life. Eric always goes to the same church as me, and actually, he brought my family and me to Christ. He changed our whole family by saving them from a divorce, and he's always so cheerful.
I went up and high-fived him, like I usually do. Today he has his white polo, with the blue stripes. His hair is its usual; black with tiny spikes coming up everywhere.
"Hi, Eric!" I said.
"Hi!" he replied.
"Guess what?"
" What?", he asked with a puzzled expression.
" Aaron is going to be my Valentine this year! Now I have someone to spend Valentine's with!"
Eric gave me a serious look. He then said, "Janessa, that's not a good idea. Aaron is a player, and you know how your boyfriend should be Christian. Besides, Aaron is a jerk and treats women badly."
I had a shocked expression. I can't believe my best friend was telling me what to do! My face felt hot as I said fiercely, "Well, it is none of your business! I can date whoever I want, and there's nothing wrong with that! God wants me to be happy, so I am happy!"
Eric just looked at me with a sad expression and said," Well, you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak."
I was so furious, that I didn't even want to see Eric right now. The nerve of him! I just stomped down the stone-steps, angrily and walked off without him. I think he got the memo, because he didn't follow me home.

Later on, I did feel a little guilty. After all, Eric was always my best friend, and he helped me with everything. But seeing his face, started bringing some unknown feeling to me, and I didn't want to ruin my chances with Aaron.
So, I avoided Eric for the next couple of days, and spend my time with Aaron instead. We were now the Valentine couple of the school, and everyone was talking about us.
But I didn't care. I just wanted someone to love me. We did everything together, ate lunch, walked to and from school, had classes together, and more.
But sometimes, when I looked at Aaron's face, I felt some sort of guilt that I could not explain. I thought the best thing was to ignore it, and enjoy myself. Besides, Aaron loves me, so why shouldn't I be happy?
Other than Eric, I didn't tell anyone about Aaron being my Valentine, especially my parents. They would make me end our relationship, and I didn't want to stop seeing Aaron. Sometimes I did feel a little guilty during dinner, when I looked at my parent's happy faces and knew I was lying to them and everyone. But then Aaron popped up in my head, and then those thoughts faded away.
Anyway as the days dragged on, I saw Eric less and less, and saw Aaron more and more. I started missing Eric and started feeling some regret. And with that, I felt like something was pulling on my spirit, when I looked at Aaron. These emotions started building up as the days went on. And then something happened that made me crack.


Usually Aaron and I walked home every day. It was the day before Valentine's Day, when we didn't. Attached to my locker, in Aaron's messy handwriting, was a sticky note explaining how Aaron couldn't go home with me today because he had an art project to finish. I felt a little disappointed because I wanted to see him the day before Valentine's Day, but I decided it was only fair he finished his project.
That's when I had an idea. What if I helped him with his project so that he will finish it faster! As his Valentine, it is something I should do for him, the day before Valentine's!
This thought made me feel so happy and warm inside. I felt like I was skipping on sunshine, as I made my way towards the Art room.
But when I opening the wooden door full of art graffiti, the classroom was empty. The lights were shut off and all the art brushes, pencils, crayons, markers, and other art supplies were all in their containers, as if they were untouched. It was only a couple minutes after all the students left, and I doubt Aaron could finish his project this quickly.
I sudden wave of fear attacked me. Why would Aaron lie to me?
But maybe, I thought, Aaron went into another room, to get supplies. Or maybe he is doing his project in some other classroom.
With fear inside of me, I ran to every classroom, opening and slamming their doors, in hope of seeing Aaron. I don't know why I felt like I had to do this, but something was pushing me to look for Aaron.
Finally I was at the last door of the floor, the gym. The huge wooden doors looked four times bigger than what they usually are. My hands started trembling on the knob, as if something was telling me Aaron was here.
When I finally had the courage to open the doors, I saw Aaron holding Cindy's hands and giving her a Valentine's Day card. She had a huge, surprised smile on her face. They didn't notice me there, and I slowly closed the doors, so they never will.
I cried on the other side of the door, with tears streaming down my face. I felt so betrayed that Aaron was just using me.
I guess it was sort of my fault for not believing what Eric and others told me. I wanted to be loved by someone so badly, that I hurt others in the process. I betrayed Eric, my parents, and most of all… God.
With this realization, more tears ran down my face. Aaron was better suited for Cindy anyway. She was a blonde with perfect hair and perfect skin, and looked like a perfect Barbie doll.
I ran down the hall, with never-ending tears going down my face. I headed toward the bathroom.
When I quickly opened the door, and ran inside, I ran into a girl. I didn't know who she was, but she had brown banana curls, and looked so sweet. She just smiled at me and I blushed and said,"Excuse me. I-I-I didn't mean to run into you like that. Please forgive me."
More tears began streaming down my face and I felt so pathetic, crying in front of this nice girl like that.
She put her hand on my shoulder, and said, "What's wrong?"
What's wrong?! What's wrong?! Everything! I betrayed everyone and got my heart broken, that's what's wrong!
But I couldn't say these words to that kind girl. I just shook my head, not knowing what to say.
That girl just rubbed my back and let me cry for a few moments. It was comforting knowing that someone was there for me, even though I didn't know this girl at all. But I still felt like I could trust her.
After what seemed to be like forever, I answered her question. I said with gasps and tears in between," I have betrayed everyone, even God, and did something I knew was wrong. I just wanted to have someone for a Valentine, but I ended up being used. And I ended up hurting my best friend. I feel so ashamed." I then cried again and looked up at the girl's face.
She looked concern and said," It is okay, wanting to be loved. You were just seeking the wrong kind of love. Your friend loved you and so does your parents and God, Even if you mess up, they will always be there for you. Instead at looking for a man to give you love; you should have looked to God for love. He loves you more than anyone ever will, which is why he has restrictions for you. You were filled with guilt, because you knew that this wasn't the kind of love you wanted. But God can give this love to you, just trust him and your life will be in place."
The girl smiled while she said this, and I felt so much better. Sitting here, on the cold tiled bathroom floor, with a girl I didn't even know, brought the answers to the questions I didn't even know I had. I finally understood why I wanted a Valentine so bad and how God was the only love I truly needed right now.
I wiped the tears from my eyes with my light gray, sweater, and thanked the girl.
I said," Thank you for your time.  I finally understand what everyone was trying to tell me, but I was too stubborn to listen. Can you please tell me your name?"
"Oh, my name is Tasha."
I responded," I've never seen you before. Are you a student in this school?"
Tasha said," Yes, but you probably don't see me, because I'm a senior. You're a freshman, right?"
"Well, yes."
Tasha then said," Well, I must be leaving. I have to meet somebody and I don't want to be late. God bless you, and I'll pray for you."
With that, Tasha left, and left behind a new me.

The next day was Valentine's Day, but to me, it seemed like any other day. I didn't care if I had anyone to celebrate it with or not. I was just happy to have Jesus in my life again.
After Tasha left, I prayed for God to forgive all my sins. I stepped out of the bathroom and bumped into Aaron. He was shocked to see me in the state I was with red, puffy eyes.
I just looked at him hard and said, "You're no longer my Valentine. The only love I need is through God. And if I ever do want one again, it would be someone that God approved because he knows best. So, goodbye, Aaron."
Aaron was shocked and speechless. I just walked away with a smile on my face, knowing I did the right thing.
Anyway, I walked into school today feeling like a new person. People were staring at me, and rumors probably already went around that Aaron dumped me on Valentine's Day, because you know how people like to twist rumors.
I was feeling so happy and then I made eye contact with Eric. He was about to turn around when I said, "Eric! Wait!"
He stopped in his tracks and waited until I caught up with him. I was about to apologize when the bell rang and took me by surprise. All I could say before everyone started crowding the halls was, "Eric! Meet me after school! I have to tell you something!"

Throughout the school day, it was hard for me to focus, because I was thinking up a million ways on how I can apologize to Eric. I mean, I was totally mean, and it was hard to apologize to your best friend.
But with my agonizing, the school day seemed to go by quickly. It was already the end of school before I realized it.
I ran out of school as fast as I could out of the doors, to under the tree in the front schoolyard where Eric was waiting. When I finally was there, I was out of breath because of my running and anxiety.
But before I could say anything, Eric put his hand in front of me, telling me to stop. He then said, "I already forgive you and I understand how you feel. It's ok, it really is. We will always be friends."
Eric smiled and then handed me a card in a pink envelope. I was surprised and shocked. I just stood there while he had the card out, motioning me to take it.
I opened the pink envelope slowly, and inside was a smile red heart, about the size of my hand. On it, in black letters that was written with a Sharpie marker was, In time, Will you be mine?
I was speechless. I looked at Eric and he was just smiling and blushing. I didn't know what to say.
But then I thought about how kind Eric was to me, and how he was always there for me and lead me to accept Jesus Christ. He was always so patient and forgiving and that's when I realized all along, he had feelings for me but I never noticed.
I felt so stupid for not noticing it. I looked at him and said, "Yes, in time I will be able to call you mine. But, not right now. I need to know and understand what love really is before I fall for another guy."
He face was glowing and I knew I have found happiness. I was bursting with happiness knowing that I had a Father who loved me, and a future love that is approved. I ran up and hugged Eric, and whispered "Thank you, for always being there for me."